just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
