just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
