you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize