life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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