I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Rumble strips road head = magical
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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