4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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