I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
