There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
