He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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