About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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