Swine flu is the new snow day.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
