You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
