it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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