Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
two words: eviction party
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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