"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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