remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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