I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
