Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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