Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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