Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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