"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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