Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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