did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
