Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we have pet lesbian snakes
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
