tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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