remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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