I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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