Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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