i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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