Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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