After last night, I could never be a politician.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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