the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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