my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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