I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you had me at cake vodka
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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