hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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