When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize