Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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