So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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