Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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