i think my tv is drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
