He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
