How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
