She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think your dad took our porno
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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