Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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