Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
