my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize