Old men and throwing up are my life now.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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