he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
MIDGETS
????
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
