The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
