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The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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