He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
