My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize