never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
