my phone needs a breathalizer
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Couch. On fire.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
