Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
