now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
