Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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