I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
