I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize