I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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