Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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